Holidays by the Year
by M14Mouse
Summary: Every holiday, he visits. Dean wasn't looking for memories of his brother but he found it anyway. It doesn't break his heart any less. Pre-Season 6.


Holidays by the Year

By: M14Mouse

Summary: Dean wasn't looking but he found it anyway. It doesn't break his heart any less. Spoilers for 4-6

Disclaimer: Don't own them.

Love Bingo Prompt: Family Ties

Dean was the king of the avoidance.

Case in point was the Impala.

He locked his poor baby up and covered her up in a nasty blue tarp.

He couldn't bear look at her. He knew the moment that he did…he would remember. He would remember every little detail…hear every little breath…sneeze…cough…laugh.

It just made his heart ache. It made him ache. He wanted to curl up into a ball and cry.

But he couldn't, of course.

Or he wouldn't…because he knew once he started, he couldn't stop.

Holidays were especially hard.

As a family, they never really celebrate them but they stumbled into them.

Memorial Days usually marked the end of school and them packing up their bags in order to move again. Which lead to Sam pouting for days after.

"_I am going to miss Cindy's birthday party."_

_He looked up from his magazine and glanced over at his brother. _

"_I already got her a present." _

"_You can send it to her when we get there." _

_Sam sighed. _

"_Again…." _

"_Son…" Dad's voice caught his attention. _

_Sammy just sighed and folded his arms across his chest. _

_It was going to be long trip._

As Sam got older, the pouting become yelling then intense silences. It was rough…but he missed it.

God, did he miss it.

Then came Father's Day. In the earlier days, it was cards and mis-shaped pots. It become ammo and guns. Even with their dad gone, Bobby fill the role of adopted father. A ghost of smile played on his lips.

"_We aren't giving him a subscription to Asian Beauties for Father's Day."_

_He didn't need to glance over to know that Sam was making his bitch face. _

"_Come on! It will give Bobby a little action." _

"_Or a heart attack." _

"_Not going to happen. Beside, you want to give him something that he can use. Dude, he could totally use this."_

_Sam grumbled to himself. _

"_I am not going to argue with you because I know that you have your mind set on it. Just don't come running to me when he tries to put a buck shot in your ass."_

He laughed softly. Bobby didn't shot him. Although, the stew did taste funny now that he thought about it.

July 4th was one of his favorite holidays and most painful.

The last one hurt the most. He was knee deep in his own depression. Sam insisted that they stopped at some small town's firework show. He wanted to stop at a bar and totally get drunk.

Look back on it now. He wondered if that is when Sam starting to think about him being his last. When they sat on her hood, the look on his brother's face was contentment. A ghost of a smile seemed etched into his face as he watched the children and adults ooo and awww at the display.

Sam knew.

He jerked his hand away from the Impala. He stumbled out of the garage.

He shouldn't know better than to come in here.

-SPNSPN-

He didn't come back until Halloween Eve.

Ben was off to some friend's house for a party. Lisa begged him to come to some get together but he refused. He made the excuse that he was tired. He was tired that much was true.

It was a type of tired that sank into his bones.

Surely enough, he ended up here with her. His fingers were still brushing the tarp as he allowed himself to remember.

It was a good memory too.

Sam was 6 and insisted to go trick or treating. Of course, they didn't have a costume but they did have bed sheets. They weren't white at all…So, they took markers and drew on them. It was funny as hell when the old ladies asked what they were. He never gave the same answer twice.

Sammy got into the act.

Even if he did bitch about it, he enjoyed it. Hell, even Dad seemed to have a good time.

He remembered finding a picture of them years later in their dad's storage box.

That happy memory helped him through the rest of the night.

-SPSNSPN-

He escaped to the Impala again during Thanksgiving.

Thanksgivings were hard. He felt strange with Lisa's family and friends moving back and forward. They were busy with food and more food.

They really didn't celebrate Thanksgivings.

Sure, sometimes, they would pick up a turkey and some beer but never like this….

He got weird pitiful looks when he said that.

He remembered one Thanksgiving…there was a hunt in Maine.

They were hunting a werewolf when Sammy got hurt.

Bitch clawed right into him. It felt like hours of him trying to stop the bleeding. He remembered that his brother beg for him not to take him to the hospital. He remembered the gloss stares and the slow breathing.

How he begged for him to hold on. How he kept rambling that it was only a scratch.

He hated the holidays.

-SPNSPN-

He didn't visit for Christmas or New Years.

He wasn't drunk enough to deal with those memories.

On his birthday, he did come across a Barbie cupcake. It almost made him stop in his tracks and laugh.

"_Dude…where is there a Barbie cupcake on my bed? It isn't your birthday."_

_Sam looked up from his laptop and grinned. _

"_It was either that or Dora." _

"_You're joking." _

_Sam gave him that innocent sort of look that he gave to witnesses and old ladies. _

"_Maybe…" _

He ate the damn cupcake but threw the Barbie piece at Sam. Just for pay back.

-SPNSPN-

Somehow or another, the rest of the holidays blended together.

Yes, he celebrated when he saw his brother again.

The day that he marked as holiday was the day that Sam was Sam again.

Not some soulless version. His brother…His Sam.

If that wasn't a day worth celebrating, he didn't know what was.

End

A/N: This story was sitting on my hard drive…half finished. I am entirely glad that I did. I hope that you guy enjoy it.

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